Spiritual Practice: Reading for Pleasure

When I say I write fiction, people tend to dismiss it as fluff. But did you know there are verified positive outcomes in reading for pleasure?

Research shows the benefits of reading for pleasure are extensive and long-reaching.

• boosts academic achievement, and provides a foundation for critical, digital, and information literacy.
• builds cognitive function and stamina when immersed in the flow of reading.
• develops empathy and knowledge — of self, other worlds, culture, heritage, and ways of being and thinking.
• empowers students to become active citizens.
• improves and builds psychological well-being and healthy behaviors, and
• crucially for young people, can be relaxing and provide an escape.

The National Library of Wellington, New Zealand

To that end, I’d love to recommend some books for your upcoming enjoyment:

If you love fantasy, try Sarah J. Maas’s Throne of Glass Series. She is known as a fantastic world builder and storyteller, and also for extreme romantic spice. This series is less spicy than her others.

If you prefer cozy mysteries, check out M.K. Dean’s, Ginny Reese Mysteries. It follows a vet who keeps finding herself in the middle of small-town murders in North Carolina.

If you have more of a literary bent, I loved The Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell, by Robert Dugoni which follows a young man born with red eyes and how that affects his life.

 I’m currently in the middle of The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared. By Jonas Jonasson. It’s got that wonderful British Humor.

And {shameless self-promotion) there’s always my extensive list of books to try here on my Amazon link!

Life is hard. Crawling into a book is a soothing way to calm down before bed, make a road trip more interesting, and give you something new to talk about with friends.

Unfortunately, book bans have spiked 33% over last year. We need to fight against these bans. As the research above shows, books teach critical thinking and so many other important things. Be a rebel. Read a book.

I’d love to hear what books you’re reading these days!

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• hoto by Monstera Production on Pexels.com

Spiritual Practice: Sharing Deeply

I recently led a group retreat that focused on concepts from my new book, Tumbled People: Deconstructing and Reconstructing Your Faith. I did not advertise it for women only, but that is who came, and I’m extremely grateful that is how it turned out.

I was surprised at the level of deep sharing that started immediately from the nineteen women who, for the most part, didn’t know each other. They were incredibly open and honest about their pain, their struggles, and their spiritual journeys. It felt holy from the first gathering. There was also laughter and silliness, alone time, and silence.

But afterwards, when the reviews started coming in, the consensus was the large and small group sharing had the most impact. Sitting and talking in a safe place, where people listened deeply was healing.

If you’ve read many of my blogs you know I’ve bemoaned the lack of this kind of connection in our post pandemic world. The majority of my clients talk about not having any friends. Even people in ministry speak of being lonely in churches where connection should be primary. When I offer suggestions for finding people to connect with deeply, I get a lot of “yes but” pushback. People are busy, stressed, and afraid to put themselves out there and be vulnerable, but how else are we to find a healing community?

Here are some ideas, but they do take time and initiative:

1. Get a spiritual director. Then at least once a month there will be someone who will listen deeply to you without judgement. Here is a link to a list of directors.
2. Start a small group of like minded people. This could be a game group, a hiking group, a parenting group, a writing group…the ideas are endless. Just know that a group like this takes a good year to bond to a place of safety and deep sharing.
   1. When we started Shalom, a group for LGBTQIA folks hurt by the church, there was a lot of distrust. It took a year for it to become a safe space for people to be honest and begin healing.
   2. When we joined a small group of other deconstructing folks, they met bi-monthly. One week they’d have dinner and then one person would “share their story.” The next meeting was some kind of spiritual input, like a lectio. This slow burn community led to a place of trust and healing for us.
   3. I joined a hiking group with some other ladies my age. Each week I’d try walking with one or two different women and over time I’ve learned their stories and found out how fascinating their lives are. It takes time!
   4. When we first moved to Reno with our new job, marriage, and surprise pregnancy, I was desperate for friends. I joined this group at my church that majored in exercise and crafts. I hated it. I had nothing in common with those women. But I needed them, especially when my daughter was born and I had no family to help me know how to be a parent. Over time I came to love those women as sisters. Later one of them started a monthly game night group that ended up lasting for thirty years!
3. Start a book club. If you want to go deep, try using Tumbled People. It comes with easy-to-use spiritual practices you can try with your group, and discussing those will definitely lead to a deep conversation.
4. Don’t give up. Finding these kinds of safe people is worth the effort and time.

I’d love to hear how you have found safe places for deep and healing conversations.

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Spiritual Practice: Vulnerability and Encouragement

Do you ever have days when you feel a bit tender or fragile? Like if someone poked you too hard you might cry?

I have those occasionally, and they usually have to do with insecurity about my writing. “Why do I bother,” “no one reads my books,” etc…

It’s human to doubt ourselves and feel a bit down. Recently when I was feeling that way, a friend on Facebook posted a meme which said:

How beautiful would it be if we said to people we loved: “I’m not feeling my best self today, can you remind me of who I am?” And that person said a few reasons why they appreciate you, for you.  Appreciation and connection heal us.

Suddenly I had tears rolling down my cheeks. And I had the strength to reach out to a friend I trust and text, “I’m not feeling my best self today, can you remind me of who I am?”

She quickly texted back, “You are an awesome writer, grandma, wife, and friend! And you are probably a little peopled-out and need to sit with some tea and a good book.”

That’s all I needed. Those two sentences boosted me out of that dark place, and I could go on with my day. I was so grateful for those simple words. I felt seen.

Encouragement is like spring rain on flowers. It gives us refreshment and the strength to go on, to grow, to bring beauty into the world.

It felt vulnerable to say that to my friend, but she’s not a drama queen who’d call me immediately or rush to my side as if I’m broken. She didn’t discount my feelings or try to talk me out of them. She just said some truths that were like a life preserver in a rough sea. Just hang on and you’ll be okay.

Often the strongest people around us are the ones that need a bit of encouragement. Everyone you meet is going through things no one can see on the outside. Let’s practice vulnerability, asking for help when we need it. Asking someone we trust.

Let’s practice encouragement. We don’t even need to wait to be asked to speak words of life on a sun-scorched flower.  We can go through life sprinkling encouragement wherever we are. Send a note through the mail, in an email, in a text, or even (heaven forbid) with a phone call! We can smile, open doors, touch an arm, or give a hug.

We can ask for those things too. Let me know how you have been encouraged during your fragile days. What feels like a little bit of magic dust to you?

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• Photo of flower at center by Jessica Lewis ud83eudd8b thepaintedsquare on Pexels.com

Spiritual Practices: Community

The other day my husband came in after participating in his new exercise
regime and said, “Is it ever hard for you to start exercising?”

I replied, “Every single time. But I’m always glad afterward that I did.
And that’s one of the reasons I love going to exercise classes; because it adds
the element of other people to meet for exercise and the accountability of
being with an instructor.”

One of the devastating effects of the pandemic has been the loss of in-person
gatherings. Now people are starting to come back, but there is still a
tentativeness about gathering. We lose something very important when we are
isolated from others.

As a therapist who recently started seeing clients again, I’ve noticed
this reluctance, especially among the old and the young.

For instance, I have several people in their twenties and early thirties
(the young) who tell me they have no friends. They have family and one
significant other, but not outside friends, and they don’t know how to find
friends. Or they don’t have time or energy to do so. When I suggest finding
interest groups like book clubs, hiking groups, church, art classes…they just
shrug.

This is not okay.

We can’t expect one person to be our everything. It puts too much
pressure on that relationship, which at some point will implode from that kind
of pressure. We were never meant to ask one person to be all that we need. We
were created to be in community. It takes a village, as they say, to live a
full and healthy life.

It has become very popular on social media to insist that it’s not only
okay, but good, to stay home, curled up with a book. Heaven, forbid we answer
the door, or the phone, or leave the house. It has me quite concerned.

Who will encourage us when we are down, call us on our bad choices, or
visit us in the hospital? We need people to do life with, to help us grow.

Here are some thoughts about friendship from my new book mentor John
O’Donohue:

“A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free
the wild possibilities within you.”

“When you send that love
out from the bountifulness of your own love, it reaches other people. This love
is the deepest power of prayer.”

“In the kingdom of love
there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control. The more love
you give away, the more love you will have.”

“One of the great obstacles
to modern friendships is the ‘religion of rush.’ People are rushing all the
time, through time. Friendship takes time.”

“One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of
encouragement.”

“The more love you give
away, the more love you will have.”

“One of the deepest longings of the human soul is to be seen.”

— John O’Donohue, ‘Anam Cara’.

I’d love to hear how you are finding friends in this
post-pandemic world and what friendships mean to you.

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Photo of women by Adrienn on Pexels.com

 

 

 

Spiritual Practice: Caring for Pets

The world is stressful. I think we can all agree that things are bad and not getting better anytime soon. But you know what’s not stressful? Petting a dog or a cat. Talking to a parrot or watching a beautiful fish swim in a tank. In fact, petting an animal can lower cortisol levels in the brain causing a person to relax.

Let me tell you about Rosie, our beloved Borador (the humane society says she is part lab and part border collie). When my husband or I are sad, Rosie is right there, putting her head in our lap to comfort us. She takes us out of the house to walk. She barks when someone comes to our door to alert us. And despite weighing ninety pounds, she loves to be on the couch smooshed between and on top of us. Our world would be less happy without Rosie.

Statistics about depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation show that since the pandemic these three are on a definite upswing. Part of the issue is the increased isolation for people during and after the pandemic. But those with pets seem to fare better.

1. Having another being in the house feels less lonely.
2. Having someone to take care of gets our minds off ourselves and onto their needs.
3. Animals are great at living in the moment and can teach us to slow down and live mindfully.
4. Having a dog that wants to go for walks outside increases our physical and mental health.
5. Animals are in tune with our emotions. Dogs especially sense when we are distressed or need comfort and come to us to comfort us.
6. Pets have personalities and watching their antics can lift us out of bad moods.

So, how is caring for an animal a spiritual practice? I don’t believe animals are gods. But I do believe everything God created is good and we can learn from and connect with it in a way that benefits our soul. We can love and care for pets in a way that helps us love and care for others.

In the words of the hymn by Cecil Frances Alexander:

All things bright and beautiful,

All creatures great and small,

All things wise and wonderful:

The Lord God made them all.

I’d love to hear your pet stories. How has caring for your animal friends been a blessing to you?

• Photo of dog at top by Lum3n on Pexels.com
• Our Rosie
• Photo of cat by Pixabay on Pexels.com
• Photo of parrot by Ilo Frey on Pexels.com

Spiritual Practice: Seeing People

One of the reasons I love yoga is because it causes the monkeys in my brain to stop their pillow fight and settle down. It is one of the few places where I can live in the present moment (most of the time). This is because the yoga positions are difficult to hold, and you must be in the moment to sustain them. It’s a fantastic way to connect the mind and body.

But recently, I had a day when the monkeys in my head would not quiet at yoga. Let me tell you what happened.

That morning I had my day carefully planned. I got up early to curl my hair so it would look good for a later interview. I would take my granddaughter to school at nine, go to my Pilates class at 9:30, and my yoga class at 10:30, and then get home at 11:45 in time to switch my shirt and apply some makeup to be on a live TV show via Zoom at noon.

While driving my granddaughter to school, I had this terrible thought. What if the TV show was on Eastern Time, not Pacific Time as I had assumed? That would make it start at 9:00 and not noon. As I was driving home (thankfully the school is near my house) I got an email that said, are you coming? I was supposed to be there five minutes before the show started, to pray with the host.

Panic ensued. I fled home, turned on my computer, and was on the show only one minute late, as the host was finishing my introduction and starting to look nervous.

I did the interview wearing my workout shirt and no makeup, but the host was incredibly warm and caring. It was a fun interview.

But afterward, I couldn’t stop thinking about being late; what if I had missed the live show? The host had read my book and everything. She had great questions and spoke highly of my book. What if I had let her down?

I missed my Pilates class but made it to yoga, but my adrenaline was spiked high. I could not let go of obsessing about what had happened. The monkeys were having a full-out fistfight.

About half an hour into the class, the door opened, and someone brought in an older lady who said she wanted to observe the class and see if it was something she could do. A classmate grabbed a chair for her, and the class went on.

Suddenly, I forgot all about my near-tragic morning and thought only of the lady. Would she take the class? Would she be able to make the moves? Would she be able to join our little group?

And then I realized what had happened. When I took my eyes off myself, and put them on another person, I was able to let go of my incessant rumination. Suddenly, I could focus on something else, and by the end of the class, my mind had stilled.

People always talk about that, don’t they? They say if you’re grieving, depressed, anxious, or lonely, you should reach out to someone else. Get your mind off of yourself. I experienced it that day. Thinking of someone else, caring for them, and listening to them makes it impossible to be self-focused. It is a beautiful thing for them and you.

I have friends who have lost their spouses and found joy in serving others. They volunteer at soup kitchens and dog shelters. They visit shut-ins and read to children. These people have found the key to healing their loss by seeing others.

How do you see others? I’d love to hear how you take your eyes off of yourself and on to something more productive. How do you unstick your mind from negative rumination?

I’ll link the interview here so you can see how it went!

• Photo at top by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com
• Photo of yoga by Cliff Booth on Pexels.com
• Photo of dog by Hamza Uran on Pexels.com

Spiritual Practice: Trying Something New

If routine is the death of creativity, spontaneity is its life. One of my friends decided her New Year’s resolution was to “have fun.” What a great idea! It leads to all kinds of spontaneous decisions and thoughts. “What if I……”

What if I took a watercolor class?

What if I drove to a new town for lunch?

What if I adopted a cat?

What if I wrote a short story?

What If I learned a new language?

What if I pulled out my old guitar and remembered how to play?

Creativity gives life to our soul, allowing it to expand and be free, bringing new energy into our often predictable and mundane lives.

Here’s an idea: Make a list of twenty-four things you might want to try in 2024. They can be small things, big things, new things, or renewed things.

Here are two invitations from me that might be something new to try.

1. Come with me on a spiritual retreat in March from the 22^nd to the 24^th, at Mercy Center in Auburn California. We’ll be using my book Tumbled People: Deconstructing and Reconstructing Your Faith as a guide to talk about the stages of spiritual development, and we’ll try some spiritual practices together. It’s beautiful there and it just might change your life.

1. If you’re a writer of any stripe (and a woman) consider attending the online Women In Publishing Summit. It’s one of the best online conferences I’ve ever attended as a writer. It’s March 6-9, with recorded seminars you can listen to for the next year. I’ll be speaking on writing about grief and mental health, but there will be speakers on everything writing related. If you use this code at registration, you’ll get $25 off the ticket price. Code WIPSPEAKER

Those are just two new things I’m trying this year and I’d love you to join me. But do spend some time thinking about what new things you might try to bring energy and life to your soul this year – 24 new things in 2024.

Then let me know what you try! I’d love to hear about it.

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• Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Spiritual Practice: Finding Words for 2024

I don’t do New Year Resolutions, but I do like to think of a word or phrase to try and live into for the new year.

Today at my pilates class, the instructor suggested the phrase More in 24. That might be a good word for you but to me; it just conjured up the rampant consumerism we already live in, so it won’t work for me.

Someone else suggested Roar in 24. You might like that to help bring out your inner lion or lioness. For me, it just sounds like something that takes a lot of energy, and I’d like to live into quieter, slower words this year.

 Some words that might work for me are:

Adore – You can’t move too fast if you’re adoring something or someone. It conjures up love, appreciation, and beauty. Yes, I’d like to spend more time adoring this year.

Underscore – You might want to take a look back at 2023 and underscore the good things. What might you want to bring with you into 2024; what might you want to let go of? This is a practice I do at the end of every year. I’m still working on it.

Core – This exercise will help you get to the core of what is important. For a few years, I did a Vision Board on New Year’s Eve with friends. I realized my core values were always the same: Family, Faith, Friends, Adventure, and Writing always show up for me. What is core for you to be sure you include this year? If something feels draining or you start to resist doing it, it might be time to remove it from your list.

Snore – Yep, it’s time to listen to our bodies. Americans are particularly bad at this. If you’re tired, try taking a nap, or just resting for a time. Whenever I take friends to a retreat center, they are shocked when they fall asleep. We often don’t know how tired we are until we stop moving. I love the concept of a Holy Nap!

Door – Are you at a threshold of change? Is it time to change jobs, cut off toxic relationships, nurture new relationships, try something new, or move to a new location? Thresholds are holy places, thin places where great change can happen. Don’t be afraid to step out, but make sure you have some trusted friends to support you.

Explore – I think this is my personal favorite. I think of it broadly, exploring our internal and external environment. For me, it means reading books that challenge me, meeting new people, and listening to them well. Traveling to new places or different parts of familiar places. I love to explore, and I think it is how we grow spiritually.

My husband and I just celebrated our fortieth wedding anniversary by going to Santa Cruse California for a few days.  I grew up in that area and we’ve been there many times. In fact, he proposed during a trip there. But we did some new things this time. We saw the eucalyptus grove where thousands of Monarchs winter on their migration journey. We went to a different beach to see the leftover giant waves from the storm, and we took a new path among our favorite redwoods. It’s fun to try novel things in familiar places.

Do any of these words call to you in 2024? I’d love to hear what word or phrase you might be living into this year.

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Spiritual Practice: Seeing Yourself as a Stranger

I’ve been quiet here lately, doing a lot of book signings, gathering with friends, and celebrating the holidays with family. I hope you are surrounded by love and light, good friends, warmth, and delicious food this season. I’ve been enamored by a book by John O’Donoghue lately, called Anam Cara: A book of Celtic Wisdom. It is so deep that I’m savoring it slowly and will probably have to read it again. But for now, I leave you with this spiritual practice of the new year:

” To decide to view yourself as a complete stranger, someone who has just stepped ashore in your life, is a liberating experience. This meditation helps to break the numbing stranglehold of complacency and familiarity. Gradually, you begin to sense the mystery and magic of yourself. You realize that you are not the helpless owner of a deadened life but rather a temporary guest gifted with blessings and possibilities you could neither invent nor earn.”

Chapter three, page 81

I’ll be trying this on for a time. If you give it a try, let me know how it goes.

Happy Holidays to you!

Jacci

Spiritual Practice: Grieving Through The Holidays

The first holiday season after the loss of a loved one can be REALLY hard. I have several friends facing that experience this year. The holidays bring up grief for many people no matter how fresh the loss. When my mom died several years ago, the tears started up at Thanksgiving — and didn’t stop. The thing is my mom was crazy about Christmas. I’m talking “Buddy the Elf” crazy about Christmas. It was irritating, really. So now I’m left with two feelings.

1. Everything about Christmas reminds me of her. I miss her and her childlike joy of the season.
2. I wish I could go back in time and enjoy her enthusiasm about the holiday instead of being irritated by it — ugh, regret is a hard thing.

When Mom died, I asked my friends who had negotiated loss to share their wisdom about how to survive the holidays. Their outpouring of love and encouragement was wonderful, and their ideas were helpful. I thought I’d share them again in case you are going through this. And if you have any ideas to share, I would love to hear them!

Crowd-Sourced Wisdom about How to Survive the Holidays after a Loss:

Robert: I found this book incredibly helpful after my Mum died. I did some of the exercises it recommended (wrote her a letter and made up a memory book). I commend it to you. 

Brooke: You do whatever feels right to you. If it feels right to make their favorite cookies say… Do it. If it doesn’t feel right to do it without them… yet don’t. Cry whenever it hits you, and hard… sob if you want to, it’s healthy. There are no rules for grieving through a holiday – just be there for yourself like you would a friend.

Leanna:  Wish I had some magic advice to give. I lost my mom shortly before Christmas—very rough. Luckily, I have a tight-knit family which I believe helped give us all some added strength during the holidays. Together, we got through it.

Peggy: My entire family has passed on except for my children and their families. I lost my hubby when I was 39. I don’t think I’ll ever get over any of it, but I find lighting a candle for them before Mass has certainly helped me remember their goodness and ask them to pray for me.

Karen:  It’s really a tough time.
And time is what you get… take time to enjoy the memories.

Julie: Tell funny stories so that the family will remember them with a smile and not tears.

Nancy:  I visited the town I grew up in and met with some high school friends from years past. It helped me feel closer to her.

Angela: It’s tough to do. I find if I keep busy, I don’t think of my dad as often and I just remember the good memories we shared on Christmas. It’s been almost five years and I still find it tough. Draw close to those you love and good friends and family help too!

Bill:  Feel the feelings and go ahead and have a good cry when you need to, later you can cry then laugh and cry again.

Rebecca: After losing my folks my feelings were all over the place. Looking at it is important, but I must admit I escaped to Kansas to be with kids and grands. Entering their chaos at Christmas helped.

Naomi: I agree with Bill. I just kept sacrificing the pain to God and trusting that he had us all in his hands. Feel what you need to feel and do what you feel you need to do to grieve – whatever it is!

Julie:  Write them a love letter full of memories and promises that you will see them again and how wonderful that will be!

Christy:   I found spending time with the little ones in the family really makes it easier. New fresh spirits brighten the day.

Cindy: Listen to “A Different Kind of Christmas” by Mark Schultz

Tammy: My grief book encouraged those who have a loss to actually put themselves in situations and places that cause grief and mourning or trigger it. We are so good at avoiding pain, but the heart is still wounded if we avoid it.

For me, I love to go to the Blue Christmas service at a church every year. It’s a service that acknowledges loss during the holidays. Corporate grief is important.

I’m grateful for all this advice. Anyone else want to weigh in? What helps you during the holidays?

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• Photo of candle by Eva Bronzini on Pexels.com